Dads That Hit The G-Spot
What defines a man?
What is the correlation between sex and sexuality? Are certain sexes predisposed to hypersexual tendencies or are these traits the product of environmental influences? In every relationship I have experienced, whether platonic or sexual, I have witnessed an intimacy complex — difficulty separating my feelings of infatuation and platonic displays of affection. It is a perplexing conundrum that has forced me to reevaluate the way in which I love. My capacity for intimacy is short-circuited and seemingly hard-wired for sex. Thoughts of love are felt in touch and as I have gotten older — and my ability to compartmentalize sharper, I began reserving my most intimate moments with my sexual partners while leaving my friends to pine for a level of affection I am unwilling to provide. Flirtation, sexual exploration, presentation, and portrayal, appeal to my senses and have for over two decades. I was very young when I had my first “sex thoughts.” When most kids were climbing monkey bars, I was making sexual performances with inanimate objects for attention. But where does this desire to perform sexually come from? I attributed it to my sexuality; I realized my attraction to the same sex at a very early age, but to my surprise, not all gay men are hyper-sexual. In fact, many of my most intimate relationships with men who have sex with men, have been with men who identify on the lower end of the sexually expressive spectrum. I have always seen how I love and whom I love as interconnected, but it was not until I began dismantling the differences between my partner and me, that I started to psycho-analyze our very different upbringings. Could how gay men are raised affect their relationship with their partners? Maybe my sexuality has more to do with my dad’s relationship to society than my own libido. In any case, this week, I put the spotlight on two of the men I share the most intimacy with, familial and sexual, to contrast the leverage of influence and compare the level of involvement with concepts like vulnerability and sexuality to conceptualize what it means to be a man of today.
The Modern World is Changing.
Fall of 2023, Kim Kardashian graced the cover of GQ as the Man of the Year. Controversial pop-culture movements are prevalent among the diaspora of recent political changes. The influential and provocative nature of decisions to change the cultural conversation beckons society to reevaluate antiquated ideology. Man is likened to power, influence, composure, leadership, and as these characteristics become increasingly available to both men and women, the separation of sexes breaches a profound change in the notion of masculine expression.
Sissy That Walk
On November 20, I interviewed my father after a month-long speaking hiatus. We haven’t spoken since he assisted me in paying for my first month’s rent in Paris. I settled into my apartment, undertook my first job as a cleaning maid, and taught French students English during a fall holiday camp just outside the city limits. Paris is seemingly more religious than their American counterparts. It was a miracle everything fell in a line as it did. My prayers were answered when I got a callback for a teaching position I had been hoping for. The camp would take place during fall break, ending a few days before Halloween and the Day Honoring the Dead, All Saints’ Day. Us teachers were encouraged to partake in the annual dress-up for the kid’s sake. I have several years of dress-up experience. Though I was never allowed to celebrate Halloween as a child, the idea of pretending always appealed to me. When I became of age and of independent decision-making, I rethought what was socially acceptable. I analyzed my wardrobe and realized everything I owned was wreathed in some sort of dress-up. The costumes we wear and the identities we share have a profound impact on the world we create.
“We’re born naked, and the rest is drag.” — RuPaul
I showed up the morning of dress-up day at camp, as an American astronaut. My costume was a metallic suit that could have been used to clothe a backup dancer in an ambitious 90s music video set. The kids loved it. Many were witches, skeletons, ghosts, zombies, or just themselves. But even as themselves, they would interact with the others as any kid would. The shyer kids would speak less, seeking out direction from the class leads and charismatic way-makers. At this age, trying on identities feels simple and seamless.
Growing up in a small town, my examples of masculinity were well-defined. A man wore jeans and spoke in a cool tone. They played football with their buddies and were good at sports. They were energetic and preferred spending every moment outdoors. They went camping with their family and had girlfriends they would see at school. Although I had several examples of the man I needed to be, I still fell short.
My childhood heroes wore capes, today they could wear dresses too.
There’s something to be said about men in dresses. The sight was more happenstance than common in my household. Even flipping through the channels might reveal a stake in reality my family did not feel the need to invest in exploring or explaining. Right was right, wrong was wrong, and as a man, I should act in accordance with my Heavenly Father. Cross-dressers were seen as deviant. I fixed my mind to sensor the outfits I did not understand. And when it came time for dress up or costume eulogy, it was understood that I would be a Super-man. So much was riding on my obedience to fall into the man. So much so that I kept falling for him in my young adult years. Perhaps in some consolation, I am attracted to the idea of masculinity I could not achieve for myself. Handsome, strong, intelligent. These were not only characteristics to aspire to, it was the antithesis of how I saw myself. And because I was not able to measure up, I sought this man in many men during my early 20s.
Some unkindly phrases and a difference in belief separated what would be considered otherwise civilized people. The social order indoctrinated into the specified gender roles evolves with the needs of a culture. Extravagant men have been traded off for more conservative stoic forces that give more than they take — if they take any at all. I was raised by a woman’s man. A man who learned the business of fathering from the outdated anecdotes of a history wreathed with traditional gender roles. I feel my masculinity had to undergo several reevaluations. I was raised during a period of rapid social changes and the results baffled and stuttered the requirements of a father and his ability to emotionally invest in his kids. The women who raised my father, aunts, great aunts, and cousins, had a propensity for care and nurturing. I did not experience this part of my father until much later in life. By that time, I had already begun seeking external validation from men who resembled my father.
An Op-Ed With My Dad
The Spiritual Responsibilities of Manhood
I haven’t spoken to my dad since I moved to Paris, and truthfully it has been longer than that. We have drifted apart over the years as I have come more into myself and less of who I was. I have been in and out of my parent’s lives for the better portion of this year, chasing a cross-Atlantic dream of freedom, rush, and rebranding. Identity seems so fluid until you are faced with who you have been by the people who raised you. They see through changes, straight to the core. I turn on my camera and await my dad to log onto the screen with me. I am early today; I make ammence for my tardiness the day prior. Time changes have been brutal to my math skills, but nothing second chances and Calendar reminders can’t fix. Today I am twenty minutes early to our video chat session, me in Paris, my father in Texas, Central Standard Time. He will be calling from the same Texas that has every memory of me from childhood to now, minus the last couple of years.
As a child, I sought my parent’s validation in good grades, bible verses, and good old-fashioned obedience.
I send another reminder text and look at myself the way he will see me on screen. My neck has become slimmer, I can see in the camera, I have lost several pounds, kilos, they are all the same on a video chat from overseas. When he does arrive, he does so with a muted mic and a blank screen. He is at work and has opted out of the video recording. I would describe my dad as more docile than hostile. He left the rearing to my mother and only intervened when he felt we had disrespected our elders, teachers, or mother. It is rare that ever he would give us a scolding, with that said, I always had a fear of my dad. Not of who he was, but of who I wasn’t — as if my inadequacies rendered me insubordinate. I still call him sir and follow up each question with a gentle pause and a wide-eye stare — even to a blank screen.
I guess you can attribute this to the identity I never allowed my dad to see of me.
I start the interview with no further thoughts on the matter. We gently walk over small-talk as I ask the first question.
Who was most responsible for your rearing?
My Grandmother.
How would you describe your childhood?
Traditional, disciplinarian, I’d say. [I had a] happy upbringing, I visited family and friends.
Who were your closest friends growing up?
Family; [mostly] cousins during childhood. Gary, we’d bike together. Ken Cooper and Kelvin Logan during High School.
Who was the most popular kid in High School?
Lennard Williams, [he was a ] popular guy, [and typically] most favored.
What were some of his attributes?
Athletic and handsome, ladies’ man
Did you see any of these attributes in yourself?
Outgoing personality
In your view today, what defines a man?
[A man] takes responsibility, leads by example, and is vulnerable.
How did you come to this definition and does it differ from the cultural sense?
Vulnerable [is] honesty, [I think that is how to get the] keys to what we want [as a society]. [A man should] model what [they] say…and be fair towards people.
Who are the most influential actors of a man today, for you?
Do they have to be men I know personally, or could they be people I admire?
Either is fine.
Okay, well, in that case, Bishop T. D. Jakes and Pastor Joel Osteen.
What implicit role does spirituality play in the cultural synopsis of idiosyncratic identities? What conclusions can be drawn from a subject matter that has no basis in the conversation of cultural happenings? My father has described his superpower as his ‘knower. It is his sixth sense ability to read people in a way that can only be defined through spiritual terms. I believe this indicator is the only reason I have a relationship with my father today. The culture of America is idealistic and marketable. The popular idea selling faster and more expeditiously than any Amazon product are concepts about the identities we hold sacred. Sacred spaces have been ravaged by relatability, diversity, inclusion, and erasure. The culture is force-feeding premature narratives that do not service everyday people. My dad is an everyday man with an extraordinary propensity for empathy.
What is the difference between being a man and masculinity?
Masculinity [is more of the] visual, outward presentation. [Whereas, a] man is a model, living from within.
How has your role as a father altered your perspective of a man, if at all?
Having to model more of the attributes, of manhood, and vulnerability. More is caught than taught. They see more of what you do than what you say. Kids are more spiritual, they can sense what is going on. I think kids get a lot more of us than we realize. I think kids know us more than adults do. Their honesty is more pure than ‘ours.’
How would you define your role as a man in society, at work, at home with your wife, and with your children?
Honesty.
In which role do you feel most yourself?
[Whenever I am] actively serving/giving, doing for others, helping others, [that is when I feel most myself].
The Gay Gene
Are you born this way?
The gay gene conversation has been in talks for several years. It was the phrase that ended debates about the rights and civil liberties of the perceived socially degenerate sub-group of civilization. Though homosexuality has existed for millennia in the animal kingdom, in the late 20th century it was rebranded as a form of inevitable circumstance. A happenstance event that the cosmic universe played a part in, rendering the trait inextricable from the being and their expression.
I found solace in science. Though the answers were unclear to me, I had X and Y chromosomes like every biological male, so why then were my desires for the same sex?
Investing in Emotionality as a Man
What are the benefits of being vulnerable?
I began learning about my father when I was outted. To come out as a gay man in a single sentence… I have never been fully comfortable admitting. I would much rather point to the man I love. I have never been brave enough on my own. As an adolescent, between the ages of 12–14, I was caught watching gay porn on the family computer. Everyone knew. I disturbed the quiet halls in the middle of the night, the light from the screen shone through the closed doors which kept out everyone from my secret. I was careful never to make too much noise, however, as fate would have it, I was caught. At the time, it was the worst crime I could imagine. To admit yourself, not as you see yourself, but as you are. While you all were sleeping I was fulfilling my desire of seeing two men kiss because I find it sexually arousing.
I was not reprimanded despite my conservative upbringing. Instead, I was leveled with as an adult. Curiosity led to coffee dates with my father, during which we would discuss manhood. My dad sympathized with me and began taking an active role in my socialization as a man. He did not ignore my identity, he saw me and worked with me as I fastened myself for the road to come.
However, despite his best efforts, I held onto an air of deception.
Coming out is different in every household. Despite being caught, I was never honest about who I was or how I felt. My dad listened as I evaded questions about the origin of my desires. Suddenly, I was receiving attention from my dad I hadn’t been conditioned in receiving. I told him what he wanted to hear or I didn’t say anything at all.
It is a cruel realization to discover that the root of your anxieties is a result of your own dishonesty.
My dad has met the men I have dated, but he has not met the real me.
An Op-Ed With My Lover
What defines a man, in your eyes?
Let me have some time to reflect…These days I would say — Fuck it’s hard. I always thought about that, as a gay man I think, this is complex because I used to see myself as a minority. Being a gay man and living with the stigmatism, but I’m also a white cis man and I have to be aware of that. This is the most dominant position, even though I identify as a minority, I have to identify my privilege...I have met so many men…I like to see many representations and many archetypes. I think that is why, we are facing some violent fights between many groups…it’s like…some people [are] being accused of wokeism, because we accept many representations.
I don’t like uniformism…[it’s] all about the most dominant position in society and not abusing or using that privilege because even if we try to promote gender equality in a society, we can [still] give examples of discrimination. I don’t want to be negative, but men have the…monopoly [on] violence…[there] are very few cases where women are attacking — killing men. It is always stories about rape, aggression, murder…The older I get the more fascinated I get…why do men have this violence inside of them. And why [are] women not expressing it?
How would you define a modern man?
Inclusive [and] open to many topics; [while also] questioning [social] inequalities. Being sensitive to many issues because I think a lot of the issues we are facing in society: climate change, [racial tensions], economic [inequalities]…I think in general the modern man has to embrace...Being open to tolerance.
Does your dad emulate any of these characteristics?
No, not really. My dad…has always been [a] centrist. He has always been a bit reluctant to change…he’s not someone looking in the past and being nostalgic or promoting values of an older era; he is in between two. He is…a follower than a leader; he is reluctant to change in a way, but if things [do]…he will follow.
How would you describe your relationship with your father?
Not that close because my father is not a talker…I can have many conversations with my dad, but we do not share…about my intimacy or sexuality. I love my dad…but he is not someone who shares that much, I have never seen my dad cry for example. He has no conviction for what is a good man or a bad man for example, but he is not really communicative.
At what age did you realize your attraction to the same sex?
I don’t know exactly…I would say around 13 years old. Yeah 12–13.
Do you remember your first crush?
That’s funny because…I thought about it a few weeks ago… I don’t remember who was it, it was in college for sure but I don’t remember who…I’ve never been attracted to heterosexual people. I might have be attracted to the face, attitude, [or] self-confidence. This was something [attractive] because I myself was not self-confident. But I didn’t have a lot of crushes in college or high school…I was too shy to even imagine that. Maybe I had a crush on a celebrity or porn actor, but I was not authorizing myself [to] in real life.
At what age did you begin coming out?
Complex. Several phases. To my friends, it was during my second year of studies so I was 19. It is not a secret, all of my friends in Paris know; my colleagues know.
Does your family know? Why or why not?
To my family, I have never told them. I talk[ed]with my mother — because we are close. It took me a really long time, maybe 6 years ago. I know my sister knows but we have never had a clear conversation. But never my dad… We are not sharing family. I have never presented them, someone; I hate that expression, coming out I don’t want to be forced to say something.
How would you do things differently with your spouse and potential child/children?
That’s hard. At the time… when you are a kid, you think your parents are the best and they do everything! — without hesitation, and with time you realize the life of a parent is filled would good and bad decisions. Sure I will be more involved with my partner, or kid, in intimacy, [with] sharing…but I don’t want to be too intrusive. I respect privacy [a lot] and it is [a] delicate balance of being with someone and letting them share what they want [with you]. What I am saying now can be very different if I’m having a child tomorrow.
What physical attributes did you take from your dad?
I look like him, I think. He has…hair and I am proud of it because I am going to have hair, [and] he is really fit! My dad's family is tall and fit — and I am really lucky for that. More than the hair that is something I am glad about.
What character trait did you take from him?
Well he’s I would say, I am bashful *laughs* . No, I the ability to [share] the feelings deep inside…I am working on it, but really I have changed a lot in the last 5 years. I’m more willing to be open; I love being [able to] make jokes… But I am not communicating my feelings, and that is probably the thing my father gave to me — even my mother…My father is absolutely like that.
Sex as Sexuality
What defines a man?
A man’s relationship with himself will influence his contribution to society. While adolescent, I adopted an individualistic mentality that was self-centric and self-serving. My opinions, thoughts, and actions were mine alone and their effect on others was not my responsibility. This perspective is void of accountability; our interconnected world, though separated by borders, customs, religion, language, and culture, depends heavily on one another’s contributions. A man’s role in society is culturally dependent. The needs of the people a man is serving determine the necessary responsibilities and requirements. The Western world expands the ideological constructs of gender purposing. As the story of human evolution reveals, the pleasure-seeking primate, produces, feasts, creates, and provides. Our ancestors, in many tribes, follow this archetype, however, as with many aspects of life, the same can not be said for everyone.
Whether matriarchal or patriarchal, egalitarian or hierarchical, the role of men in society is increasingly moving towards complimentary social agents to their female counterparts. To achieve harmony, both sexes must identify and reevaluate their contribution. Power, strength, and influence are still coveted attributes that empower its actor, whether male or female. But the housing unit of these three may look increasingly feminine.
